I Got A Gut Feeling

I'm at the point of life where a lot of the people I know are beginning to get married. This bothers me. I mean, it's not unexpected but I guess as a kid I figured things were going to turn out a little bit different. Didn't you ever do that shit when you were little? I used to think I'd have a kid by twenty-five, like my dad. I'm turning twenty-seven in a week.

And I guess that's beside the point too. I was talking to my friend Melissa today and we fleetingly mused upon this exact thought. Everyone says it, but we don't know what we've got coming our way. Even my mom--well shit, lemme back up a sec. I was over at her house helping her go through some boxes and we came across a bunch of stuff I had when I was in college. So she goes, "Ton, I just thought you'd have done something by now, like written a screenplay or a book or something." I was like, whoa Ma. You should probably tip toe around the shards of my broken dreams. I don't want you to get any splinters or anything. Jesus.

Back to cigarettes and wedding bands. Yeah, I went to a girl's wedding that I once had feelings for. It wasn't weird. Feelings are only feelings when you feel them. Otherwise they'd be called Felts or something. I don't know. They go away. Or maybe they just stay where they were. In the same place, in the same spec of time that they came from. I wouldn't go so far as to say that you can't take some feelings with you, that's why we record stuff. But those are just photos and videos and books and letters and smells and songs, they're something that replicates the feeling, like a clone. And maybe in the same way when you make a copy of a copy of a copy, those feelings lose a bit of the luster of their originality.

We live and die with these records. And for a moment I was beginning to think that maybe we weren't really meant to have them. Like, fuckin' pop songs and romcoms, the things that rosey up the world with happy endings and ever afters, the records we keep tend to lean toward the parts we liked best and therefore hold with a little bit more favor than we should...maybe.

But maybe not. Who knows what makes sense. It's 4:30 in the morning and I have to wake up in five hours. Maybe we're meant to keep those feelings. Build on them. Maybe not and we just do it anyway, using them for foundations of who we are and who we're going to eventually become. Maybe I'm suppressing them or maybe I'm just full of shit.

so I wrote a song. It's called between.